stuck at home

this is just one of the days that everyone else has plans but me. stuck at home not knowing what things to do other than studying for the next paper this monday which i haven't even read a single thing about it. i guess i might just take a nap now to burn midnight oil later. who knows? oh well, kinda feel alright being home alone.. perhaps i'm trying to console myself but nevertheless, it's somewhat a good way to spend time with just myself. feels weird but ok, i can learn.

so what should i do?

should i try to be a little more feminine by posing in front of the mirror and say hi to myself?

or perhaps experiment the make-up set i have?

record music?

currently i'm just playing backyard monster on facebook in order to avoid studying and enjoy the moment of relief after a paper has expired today.

i could have joined my bro to club and help share the load of drinking as his colleagues are eager to see him drunk. i bet i could be there as his tower defense man. (oops.. too much games =p)

or perhaps join my other bro for halloween party somewhere in town and get shocked by all those "stuffs" appearing around.

there's also another choice of joining gerald for church training which is similar to a lecture. the only difference is that you can't eat during the training session and you aren't allowed to slp. ehehe

well, i could also have joined carmen with her lesson since she's got class tonight. the thought of traveling back to school just scares me away when i was so glad that i reached home at 4pm.

as you can tell from the title, i'm home. the decision is simple. i'm tired and mentally exhausted. socializing takes a lot of my energy away and i don't think i can take it. initially i wanted to just go out with a group of frens or even just someone to chit chat and chill. i guess it's not happening tonight. the night is young but i'm turning in now. haha...

fears back

once again, my fear is back.

after acknowledging the fact that i failed my accounting module last semester, i have no courage to face it again this semester. moreover, the rest of the modules i took this semester doesn't seem assuring for me to even make it for the next semester. so what have i been doing?

honestly speaking, if i look back at the days i spent this semester, i really don't know what was i doing for school. CCA? Projects? indeed, all i could remember was rushing to print my notes, group projects and individual projects and not so much of focusing in class. i wonder if i'm the only person experiencing this and i hope not. i must say this semester passed too quickly for me to even remember the much about it.

and back to studies now for there is no time to waste...

after wedding syndrome

here's the picture of pretty girls sitting around the table on Malvin & Jan's wedding night. i'm not suppose to be there because i'm suppose to be at the relatives seat. aiya.. even Malvin was wondering where would i be sitting... haha. oh well, managed to take that picture with them when i took my chances to do some table visitations.

well, i've always disliked dressing up so... it's really hard for me to make myself do it. before all that jazz in the wedding dinner, i was complaining half the time about doing make-ups and wearing dresses for weddings. i know all brides wanna be pretty on their wedding day but i just thought it's not the appearance the groom is marrying but the person itself. what i'm wondering is is it necessary for brides to dress-up on their wedding day?

i thought to myself about how i shall have my wedding planned as of 21yrs old mind:

1. montage shall be done by me!

2. bf shall pick selective songs to be played for wedding dinner (cuz i noticed their wedding restaurant played "you had a bad day")

3. dresses? hmm.. i wan short skirts for wedding album because i simply find the gown too long and uncomfortable. on the wedding night, i don't want make-up! light make-up is fine. hehe and i think i wanna wear shoes.. no wait. boots more like it. cool right? actually to be honest, i though of wearing pants as my option but my gor said he would kill me if i do that. haha

4. must choose humorous mc for the day

5. shall come out with the program flow for dinner cuz quite boring to just eat

6. must get 'on'/ enthu people to shout "yam seng" and conduct them like orchestra!

7. oh oh i want string quartet also!! piano also can lah but i find it boring

ok i can't think of any things else already. so i shall just stop here =p

life is just too short...

some times, i gaze into the sky wondering what am i doing in this world and left that thought hanging. and then there are times where i wonder what if i were to die today, what would happen to everybody? and if i were to write my last words on a paper, telling everyone to have a party for my funeral, what would their expressions be? haha... think it'll be quite a memorable reaction in return.

so what if that really happens? what if you are about to die, what is certificates to you? what is money to you? what is achievements to you? aren't those suppose to add-value to your life?

majority spend their first quarter of life studying and achieving grades that would help boost their pride and fulfill their parent's wishes yet living a life not knowing where they are heading to. but is this what they want in life? is this what i want for life? and if your D-day comes would you find your life meaningful?

i know if i die now, i won't be satisfied with it. there's just so many things to do and so little time. and people would say "it's all about time management" which i don't deny. but i would wanna spend all my time knowing everything and acing nothing at all, the benefit is to meet people and search for that one i've been searching for the longest time. where are you? where could you be? i'm growing tired of waiting but it's this hope i'm holding on that kept me going...

so what is studies? now it has dawn to me that it's just an activity to know more people. in fact, to put it crudely, education is a waste of time for someone who wants to master something else than gaining academic intelligence. that's because i'm not clever nor am i smart and i'm no where near them. i like beautiful things and i like to create them from limited resources. i like to listen and i like to match music with sounds. most challenging is to match the pitch each environmental sound is produced. i like to dream in my sleep because they always amaze me. i like to look at the wonders of nature, the miracle of each living beings are form or each elements could create. i'm that sort that enjoys adventure and i would seek it before it seeks me. however, these adventures i'm referring to don't mean challenging the dangers of our human body, it's more like experiencing lives in a different way.

i don't wanna get stuck with work when i grow up. perhaps i shall work as a project servant and appreciate life to its potential instead of facing 4 walls and few windows in a not very conducive office. we shouldn't be captivated with workloads in a container rather to venture the world out there. and to know the beauty of this massive creation that lived way before human's record of history, i think our lives are just too short to see all that wonders