whoooopps... my shoe...

seeking other solutions

i must admit that i haven't been putting much thought and time to post updates on my blog. it makes me feel jealous to read other's blog because i know that i don't exactly have that much luxury to write what i feel anymore. perhaps i should try to commit a post per week? could be a good start?

do you know that i'm currently taking the role of PRODUCTION DIRECTOR? it's now imprinted into my CCA transcript and when i saw it, i almost got a heart-attack. why? that's because it's a big word and it weighs too much responsibilities that i doubt i am fit to be in that position. i feel like killing myself due to all those responsibilities that i'm carrying. in fact, i think i killed myself many times already, it's a wonder why i'm still alive. whichever it is, my academics and CCA is making me stressed so much that i wanna run away from everything that i am right now. despite all that feeling, i ironically feels glad to take up this post as it is somewhat a chance for me to know myself, my leadership skills, first hand. that's also because of the kind of leadership history i had in the past that i kinda quit halfway through, it's not a very proud thing to do but i admit i lacked that confidence to pull through it.

this brings me to say... i need a break from this world. again. i need to refresh myself before i get burnt out. sadly, my dad is still against the idea for me to go overseas even though i'm an adult already. i don't want to upset my dad, so i won't push it. what's worse is that i realized the kind of person i am since the past and it never really change much even now. my brothers and i had a chat last night about the freedom we have to make decisions. i then come to realise that i'm that sort who have the "imaginary" boundary i would never cross. and since i knew i would never cross, i don't even put much effort into devising a plan to break it. it has been seen since young... gosh... now i understand why i would refrain myself from upsetting my dad because there is this boundary of "once you cross there's no way of gaining back the trust from your parents" constantly but unconsciously prompting me.

i guess i just have to look for some other solutions then.

sianz..

happy and sad..

happy for the violin students getting distinction for grade 3, distinction for grade 2, merit and pass for grade 1. i guess they really did a good job when i was in the exam room with them.

sad for having myself labelled in their exam script. it's never a good comment or impression when the examiner decides to write something that relates to the pianist. the examiner wrote something like "the ensemble had difficulty in arising" which meant the pianist had difficulty accompanying the violinist as commented by their violin teacher. damn sad...