feeling lousy: i don't wanna grow up

was feeling rather upset today despite the fact that my group had finally finished the marketing project that lasted for a substantial torturous number of months. was once again feeling the loneliness when the group starts chattering, i realized i have nothing much to chat with them. part of the main reason is that they speak chinese and use a different wavelength as me. or perhaps their interests doesn't interest me at all that causes the barrier to speak a word during their social conversation. i tried and i tried real hard but i guess they don't see it. i always felt that barrier when i'm with them but not so much in fpa. why is that so?? i really feel lousy to have no real friends that i can call 'friends' in school. all of them are just acquaintances who are constantly trying HDs by all means. i wanted to hate my life but i know that won't do me good, in the first place, i'm the one that makes decisions in my life and by hating my life makes life seems meaningless.

i also figure out that i like being childish because i wanna capture what have been lost in my youthful days even though i'm aging day by day. however, this characteristic puts me in a disposition among my peers as they would not enjoy doing what i like best. see what i mean? how can i find friends that i would enjoy their company with and with the same frequency? and the closest to that would be gerald's group of friends without a doubt. but everytime i join his gang, i'll feel some sort of difference that took me a while to realize it. his gang share times together in camps, courses and workshops as well as planning and commitments that i cannot participate. you know how sucky that feels? it's the same as your group of friends having fun out there without you just because you are not allowed to come along. you know what? i rather not know the fun they will be experiencing cause it hurts. it will hurt badly...

what's more, my girlfriend had been going overseas for all the fun and sight seeing while im here in singapore facing all the odds myself. i really hate it..

what i'm left to do now is to bond with my new post in fpa and church camp commitment, and of cause this dreadful studies of mine.